There are no stupid questions

I have been feeling a slight tugging over the past few months

Each time I shrug it off 

a minor thought, 

a passing feeling,

But it seems, that over these past few months, 

each uncomfortable moment tugs at my 'future career'

And suddenly today, it left me feeling unsettled and concerned.

Since I started my post-secondary journey, 

the future projections for career and lifestyle have been tied to Environmentalism.

As I grow older I've become more aware of the monumental struggles of obtaining jobs, 

better jobs, 

homes, 

sustenance, 

partners, 

things and 

inner fulfillment.

I’ve begun to feel unconfident in my ability to match a career in Environmentalism to an extremely sustainable lifestyle.

I feel torn between what kind of city/town I want to live in,

What kind of home,

And where my initially small income will go.

I grew up in a suburb, 

and while I find them placeless, boring and limited,

I have a shortlist of neighbourhoods I’d want to call home in the 

Big City

I love the idea of having a small yard, with room for a garden and 

fire pit,

But I know that suburban, 

low-density housing is possibly the most unsustainable planning 

we’ve ever utilized,

I also know that my dollar will go much further outside of the Big City.

At the time being, 

I eat so many vegetables off the Dirty Dozen list,

and while I’m educated in how these toxic chemicals affect my body, 

I can’t buy organic right now. 

A small expense yes, 

but I already stretch my tiny grocery budget about as far as it will go.

Once I get out of school, I will need to take a job,

And I will have the responsibility of wielding a larger (hopefully) income, 

but where will it go?

I will not be live feeling like a hypocritical environmentalist.

I take pride in being true to the bone

Will I be able to live in a smart, mega-dense home,

Utilize all the newest energy efficient appliances,

Purchase the right products from the right manufacturers,

And eat the most sustainable foods?

And 

how will those around me participate?

I just don’t know.

I feel like the things I’ve learned, 

I cannot unlearn

And I cannot forget  

I would never want to.

The things I’ve learned make me question what I believe in,

How I want to conduct myself,

And how involved/devoted I can become.

Special Day

I really miss celebrating Fathers' Day

My Dad passed away a few years ago now.

I have not gotten over it

I doubt that anyone really does

Some days I talk about my 'parents' and include him in the present

possibly confusing those around me,

and some days I have to explain that no, in fact,

I lost my father when I was 22

I always enjoyed Fathers' Day

a bit more than Mothers' Day

there was no fear for criticism of the gifts I had picked

the breakfast I fried

or the dinner I bar-be-qued,

he expressed overwhelming gratitude for even the smallest effort.

My dad just liked to chill in the sun and let everyone enjoy the day

he was an Epic man like no other.

Thinking about my inside and outside body

I've started running again...

My first attempt at becoming a runner was in March:

- I ran by myself and pushed my pace, never believing I was moving fast enough

- I designed simple routes from my house

- purchased running pants and jackets to fight the frigid spring temperatures

- ran at different times, morning noon and night to fit my schedule

- and failed to create a consistent practice

This time, I hope to truly embrace the sport and find success:

- I am now running with an experienced friend and learning to pace myself

- we've picked a beautiful path along the lake

- I'm enjoying being outside in the setting sun with the warm summer wind

- the days and times of our runs are fixed

- and I believe consistency of practice will leave my body and mind feeling satisfied

While I am pretty good at motivating myself,

I am always happy to realize how a friend makes it easier to leave my comfort zone and attempt to accomplish a new goal.

"if you don’t try at anything, you can’t fail… it takes back bone to lead the life you want" 

— Richard Yates (Revolutionary Road)

I find this quote inspiring, motivating and honest.  It comes at the climax of a brutal fight between April and Frank Wheeler in Revolutionary Road.  April delivers it like a knife in Frank's side, it feels hurtful and full of resentment.  

The story is a lot like this quote, 

honest, depressing yet motivating.  

I heard from a lot of people that the movie/book is overly depressing or sad,

but I loved it and found positive messages, including,

Any type of life you lead is a choice and requires a lot of hard work.  

And life is dynamic and open to stretch and change beyond the limits you may envision.

Beautiful story and I will look into more Yates novels.

Summer Festivals

There are so many great summer festivals coming up in the GTA,

and probably in your area too!

Here are a few that I think are worth checking out...

NXNE

Indie Festival at venues, bars, clubs and cafes across Toronto.  

A nice way to enjoy a few patios in mid June.

Sound of Music Festival

Totally FREE Festival full of food, drinks, crafts, rides, bands and street parties.

Toronto Jazz Festival

June 24- July 3, Chill Toronto Festival, Aretha Franklin for FREE plus so many others!

Canada Day Celebrations at Downsview Park, Toronto

I'll be celebrating Canada Day at this Festival to start off my cottage vacation,

it's gonna be sweeeet!

Rock the Bells

I was so lucky to go to the concert last summer in San Francisco.  

It was an amazing experience 

and I'd be lucky to road-trip it up to NYC or Boston this summer!

Tosh.O

Funny man is on tour this summer, maybe in your area!

Things I love right now

* picking which sport I feel like playing today,

basketball… softball… yoga… running… biking,

the sunshine energizes everyone.

***

* trying to even out my tan lines, 

I am ½ ghostly white, ¼ rosy red and ¼ bronze goddess.

***

* getting my vegetable garden started, 

saving egg shells for fertilizer, watching for the bumble bees to visit and pollenate, 

and very patiently waiting for flowers and fruits.

***

* checking out leagues in my area,

picking new sports like softball or starting up a favourite like beach volleyball,

or both!

***

 * designing the grocery list around my bbq desires,

homemade hamburgers, cheddar smokies and roasted red peppers.

***

I often wonder why I live in a part of the world with only 3 months of summer,

but contemplation of that issue will have to wait until the sun disappears again!


We’re not stuck inside anymore!

"Breathing in, I know that I am Breathing in...

... Breathing out, I know that I am Breathing out..."

Thich Nhat Hanh ~ Internationally known Vietnamese Zen Buddhist Monk

Over the past few days, 

I have realized when and where I easily enjoy a sense of mindfulness-

While doing the dishes,

basking in the sun, 

near the trickle of my fish tank filter,

but especially while doing my vinyasa practice.

The determination required for my advanced practice is a perfect catalyst to focus my mind to the present and remain present for nearly 75 minutes.

And some days, I simply sit and breathe and think, 

Breathing in, I am aware of my eyes...

...Breathing out, I am thankful I can see...

What works for you?