There are no stupid questions

I have been feeling a slight tugging over the past few months

Each time I shrug it off 

a minor thought, 

a passing feeling,

But it seems, that over these past few months, 

each uncomfortable moment tugs at my 'future career'

And suddenly today, it left me feeling unsettled and concerned.

Since I started my post-secondary journey, 

the future projections for career and lifestyle have been tied to Environmentalism.

As I grow older I've become more aware of the monumental struggles of obtaining jobs, 

better jobs, 

homes, 

sustenance, 

partners, 

things and 

inner fulfillment.

I’ve begun to feel unconfident in my ability to match a career in Environmentalism to an extremely sustainable lifestyle.

I feel torn between what kind of city/town I want to live in,

What kind of home,

And where my initially small income will go.

I grew up in a suburb, 

and while I find them placeless, boring and limited,

I have a shortlist of neighbourhoods I’d want to call home in the 

Big City

I love the idea of having a small yard, with room for a garden and 

fire pit,

But I know that suburban, 

low-density housing is possibly the most unsustainable planning 

we’ve ever utilized,

I also know that my dollar will go much further outside of the Big City.

At the time being, 

I eat so many vegetables off the Dirty Dozen list,

and while I’m educated in how these toxic chemicals affect my body, 

I can’t buy organic right now. 

A small expense yes, 

but I already stretch my tiny grocery budget about as far as it will go.

Once I get out of school, I will need to take a job,

And I will have the responsibility of wielding a larger (hopefully) income, 

but where will it go?

I will not be live feeling like a hypocritical environmentalist.

I take pride in being true to the bone

Will I be able to live in a smart, mega-dense home,

Utilize all the newest energy efficient appliances,

Purchase the right products from the right manufacturers,

And eat the most sustainable foods?

And 

how will those around me participate?

I just don’t know.

I feel like the things I’ve learned, 

I cannot unlearn

And I cannot forget  

I would never want to.

The things I’ve learned make me question what I believe in,

How I want to conduct myself,

And how involved/devoted I can become.

Special Day

I really miss celebrating Fathers' Day

My Dad passed away a few years ago now.

I have not gotten over it

I doubt that anyone really does

Some days I talk about my 'parents' and include him in the present

possibly confusing those around me,

and some days I have to explain that no, in fact,

I lost my father when I was 22

I always enjoyed Fathers' Day

a bit more than Mothers' Day

there was no fear for criticism of the gifts I had picked

the breakfast I fried

or the dinner I bar-be-qued,

he expressed overwhelming gratitude for even the smallest effort.

My dad just liked to chill in the sun and let everyone enjoy the day

he was an Epic man like no other.

Thinking about my inside and outside body